Day 3 – Parent Songs

A Song That Reminds You Of One/Both Of Your Parents

Music Box Dancer 1


“Music Box Dancer” by Frank Mills

I remember being four or five years old and always seeing the sheet music to this song sitting on our old Kincaid piano.  We had two versions – one was Easy Piano, the other was a bit more difficult.  Mom didn’t know how to play the piano but she loved this song, so she used to work on learning it.  She would get pretty good, then not play it for a few years, then try to learn again.  It’s been a long time since she asked to play the piano in my room, but I have heard her listening to the song on YouTube in her room every once in awhile.  This song makes me feel happy and sad at the same time, but I really love it.  It’s very sweet and pretty…simple, yet when I play it I want to hear it over and over.

Music Box Dancer 2

“O Holy Night” by Twila Paris with Matthew Ward

It’s been a tradition that this is the first Christmas song we play every year, while decorating the house.  It always makes Mom get teary-eyed and it has become one of my favorite Christmas songs, as well.  Several years ago, Mom and I drove several hours to see Twila Paris in concert and got to meet with her and talk for quite awhile.  She was lovely.  Matthew Ward was part of the singing group 2nd Chapter Of Acts, whom my parents lived in close proximity with at a Christian community in the early 80’s.  His CD My Redeemer has some of my favorite worship songs.


“The Reason” by Hoobastank

I’ve loved this song since long before it had any familial associations, but some time after my parents divorced, this song came on my iPod during a car trip with my mom and my brother, and my brother said quietly after it was done, “That would be a good song for Dad to give to Mom, if he ever changed.”  I can’t help thinking about that now, every time I hear it, and remember how he never did change.

I’m sorry that I hurt you
It’s something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That’s why I need you to hear

I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

11-7-09 (10)

“From The Rising Of The Sun” by The Maranatha! Singers

I honestly never heard a recorded version of this song, so I’m just linking the only one I found that has the same melody and lyrics I grew up with.  t.s.d. used to play guitar and sing this song, often at night while my brother and I were falling asleep.  When we got older we used to sing it to each other from our rooms as we were going to bed.

Here’s MY Daddy’s songs…  And for anyone who’s just coming to my blog, my Daddy is a totally different person from t.s.d.  My Daddy is my lover, my comforter, and the one who accepts and loves me for who I am.  Love1

A Song that Reminds Me of One/Both My Parents

Ironically, this song now invariably reminds me of my Mom. In my family we like to play music games. The most common one is we list a portion of the lyrics and everyone else is supposed to try and figure out the song and artist. My Mom isn’t known in our family for being able to recognize songs, so it surprised me when this song came on while I was giving her a ride somewhere and she turned and asked, “is that C.W. McCall and Convoy?” I was shocked, and the connection between mom and this song was made.

Okay, so I’ll be honest and say picking a song for Dad was MUCH harder. I have SO many songs in my head that are associated with my Dad because he is the one who actually introduced me to music. From John Anderson to the Beatles, Three Dog Night to Joe Diffie, Acappella to Marty Robbins, Henry Mancini to Randy Travis. I grew up on a lot of classic rock and country, with smatterings of classical and easy listening. But one song that is forever tied to him is “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” by Gordon Lightfoot. It has to be one of his most FAVORITE songs, because I remember him playing it frequently when I was a kid. It’s a haunting song, and I do like it. So there, that’s my song for my Dad.  The other is just a running joke between him and me, so every time I hear it, I think of him. I’m not actually sure how the joke got started, but it has, and we laugh about it.

Father Figure

The main theme of the past three months is that I’ve discovered I have an enormous hole in me, in the shape of a father figure. I think it’s been there for a very, very long time, and it’s only just now becoming apparent to me.

We left my dad when I was seventeen; I’m twenty-five now. I have deep hatred for him, and have not allowed him into my life in any form since the day we left. After a few years, the hatred became dormant, and I did start to feel a bit of longing when I saw my uncles; I remember thinking a few times that maybe one of them would want to adopt me. I shook off the idea as silly, because seventeen should be old enough to be without a father, right?

I haven’t thought about the desire for a father in years, but what has happened is a definite attraction to older men. I’ve always gotten along well with middle-aged men, even just as I hit my teens, but it has blossomed into full-blown indifference about age, as far as my attraction goes. To put it into perspective, the last man I let out a dreamy sigh for was fifty-eight years old.

I’ve never connected my attraction to older men with a daddy complex, before. I suppose that was blind of me. I took it to mean I was mature and enlightened; above all those silly girls who only wanted silly boys. Now, that is largely true…I don’t have patience for party animals or immature guys…but I think it’s fairly obvious that there is a deeper psychological base for all of this. Anyway, all this sort of went over my head until the past three months.

I met a man online, and when he told me his age I made a joke and called him daddy. Things sort of spiralled from there, and though he lived a very safe distance away in another state, we began a very crazy and intoxicating roleplay relationship. I couldn’t honestly tell you how it happened, but we began roleplaying 100% of the time, as father and daughter. It was sexual and relational, and I became very deeply emotionally attached to him. When I realized that I was trying to make myself live the fantasy that he really was my father, I freaked out at how far it had gone. I took a step back and started paying attention, and realized that he was lying to me about his life… I cut off contact with him about a month ago. I cried. I still can’t believe how powerful an effect I let him have over me.

That, coupled with even more recent experiences, sort of triggered something between an epiphany and a panic attack. haha I realized that I have a very desperate emotional need for a father figure, and it extends well into the sexual realm.

It also caused me to consider many other things that have been rattling around in the back of my mind, such as my desire and apparent need to be dominated, and also how my self-esteem could easily make it possible for me to accept physical abuse. I used to work with a guy who was extremely condescending and would yell at me in the back room…I’ve been thinking about how turned on I was by the tone in his voice when he yelled at me, and wishing he would come to my house and treat me like that. Lately I’ve been considering everything from the idea of being emotionally dominated, to being controlled by a stand-in father, to seeking out someone to punish me…I’ve even been Googling BDSM puppy slave lifestyles. I feel very lost and confused, depressed and scared. I feel like I’m on the verge of finding out something is really wrong with me, but on the other hand, I want to just accept anything I uncover and dive straight into it, whether or not it’s healthy. I want to be free. I’m sick of fighting myself all the time.

The bottom line is, there are a lot of things I’m realizing that I want and need, and it’s scaring the hell out of me but turning me on just as much… I always think things over in-depth before making any decisions, and I feel like all these things just showed up pounding on my door wanting to be decided upon. It’s pretty overwhelming and exciting. ;)