I had pain in my chest last night. In my heart. It lasted maybe twenty seconds. I wasn’t worried, for the first ten seconds…after that, I started trying to remember what the last thing I said to my brother was, and if I’d told Mom I loved her today. I was on the phone with my boyfriend when it happened, listening to a song together. I thought how messed up it would be to die out of nowhere like that, with him listening. I got this clenchy feeling in my stomach, knowing I’m not ready to die, and though I did not worry about God or where I was going, I did feel fear. Fear to be found like that, fear of the unknown. Fear that my life could end when I haven’t made a difference in this world. When I haven’t got a clue what my purpose was, or has been, or if there even is one. It felt so unfair to die like that.
Well, I didn’t die. But I feel more fragile now…and more bold. I want to KNOW I told my family I love them, and I want to know that the day I die was a good day. I want to love, and feel loved, and be okay with dying…not because I’m despondent and want a way out, but because I know I’m ready for whatever happens. I’m not afraid of dying but I am afraid of pain, and I’m afraid of dying before I know what life is all about. I know I’m loved, and that’s what life is to me…but I don’t think I’m finished yet.
I want to be honest, true, and open with the people I love. I want to take time to smell fresh air, to stop and cook my own food and enjoy life…not to be in a hurry, always having something to do next, never feeling like I have free time.
My days off when I venture out to take pictures are sooo amazing. Because time doesn’t exist. I start so early, I feel like I have the whole year to go exploring, to wander, to go over the next hill or down that never-ending straight road. To meander wherever I feel like, to keep looking until I find somewhere I can really enjoy new food and see new people and experience new things. I can stop on the side of the road and wait for that little baby cow to wander closer, I don’t have to just snap a picture and run. There are no responsibilities, no time constraints, nothing but freedom. I want to live that way every day.
I want to be whoever I want, do whatever I want, and love life without fear. I want to be honest and happy. I want to know my time here isn’t wasted. I want to spend more time with my brother, just hanging out doing nothing. I want to make friends. I want to actually live, not just float along. I want to explore. I want to love myself. I want to belong somewhere other than home. I want to get skinny and healthy and happy. HAPPY. I want to be happy. I want to make happiness for myself. And I will.