Day 9 – A Song That Makes You Hopeful

A Song That Makes You Hopeful

I deal with major depression, so this day’s Challenge was actually really difficult for me.  When I think of hope, I think of the future, or especially of Heaven, but given my state of depression and my massive doubt in God right now, there’s nothing I could think of that actually makes me feel hopeful in either of those areas.  So my songs pretty much represent love and acceptance.  Those are both current things that I can strive for and look for in the here and now.

“Que Sera, Sera” by Doris Day

This song pretty much speaks for itself.  It’s the “Hakuna Matata” of the 50’s.  Sometimes it makes me a little sad, but mostly it makes me feel hopeful that you never know what might happen, and what happens might be good.  No sense worrying about the future, seeing as it’s mostly out of our hands.  I wish I could take its advice a bit easier.  ;)

“Let Your Love Flow” by The Bellamy Brothers

This song almost always lifts my spirits and makes me feel happier.  I love the music and the lyrics and it just leaves me feeling good.  If I made a Happy CD, this would be on it.  I wish the world was a more loving and accepting place.

Here are Daddy’s hopeful songs!  Jump1

A Song that Makes Me Hopeful

Initially I started going through my iTunes just looking for inspiring and hopeful songs that are uplifting. But as usual, I just kept seeing songs that reminded me of my Baby. Then I realized… she is the most uplifting thing in my life right now. She’s not the only thing that helps give me hope, but she’s a big one. To be honest, she’s also one of the strongest sources of uncertainty, so it’s an odd mix. Each of these songs gives me hope though, in its own way. The first gives me hope because I’ve asked her on occasion, “if tomorrow never comes… do you know I love you? Am I showing I love you as much as I can, each and every day? Do you KNOW I love you? Not believe, not hope, not think, are you SURE?” It’s sappy and all, but I’m serious. And it gives me hope that she says, “yes” to all of them. The second gives me hope in that it reminds me you figure life out as you go. You can’t flip to the back of the book and look up all your answers. Life is a growing process, and you’re not done growing till you’re actually planted and helping the daisies grow. Heh, so in a way you’re never really through growing? *Starts playing “Circle of Life”.* The last two are hopeful to me just because they are things that I want to tell my Baby, and telling her sincere things like that makes me feel better and more hopeful. It’s more of an indirect hope, but it’s there.


The thick red liquid splashed against the snow white enamel of the sink.

It was bright and rich…the contrast was mesmerizing.

I leaned forward to encourage the flow, feeling the blood slowly gather into warm droplets.  Gravity pulled it out of me as I watched in rapt fascination.

I wanted to stay lost like this, watching life fall away from me.  I wanted to taste it.  Play in it.  I wanted to feel it drip from my body until none was left.  This was painless.  Beautiful.

I was at peace.

Making Happiness

Written 6-5-10

I had pain in my chest last night.  In my heart.  It lasted maybe twenty seconds.  I wasn’t worried, for the first ten seconds…after that, I started trying to remember what the last thing I said to my brother was, and if I’d told Mom I loved her today.  I was on the phone with my boyfriend when it happened, listening to a song together.  I thought how messed up it would be to die out of nowhere like that, with him listening.  I got this clenchy feeling in my stomach, knowing I’m not ready to die, and though I did not worry about God or where I was going, I did feel fear.  Fear to be found like that, fear of the unknown.  Fear that my life could end when I haven’t made a difference in this world.  When I haven’t got a clue what my purpose was, or has been, or if there even is one.  It felt so unfair to die like that.

Well, I didn’t die.  But I feel more fragile now…and more bold.  I want to KNOW I told my family I love them, and I want to know that the day I die was a good day.  I want to love, and feel loved, and be okay with dying…not because I’m despondent and want a way out, but because I know I’m ready for whatever happens.  I’m not afraid of dying but I am afraid of pain, and I’m afraid of dying before I know what life is all about.  I know I’m loved, and that’s what life is to me…but I don’t think I’m finished yet.

I  want to be honest, true, and open with the people I love.  I want to take time to smell fresh air, to stop and cook my own food and enjoy life…not to be in a hurry, always having something to do next, never feeling like I have free time.

My days off when I venture out to take pictures are sooo amazing.  Because time doesn’t exist.  I start so early, I feel like I have the whole year to go exploring, to wander, to go over the next hill or down that never-ending straight road.  To meander wherever I feel like, to keep looking until I find somewhere I can really enjoy new food and see new people and experience new things.  I can stop on the side of the road and wait for that little baby cow to wander closer, I don’t have to just snap a picture and run.  There are no responsibilities, no time constraints, nothing but freedom.  I want to live that way every day.

I want to be whoever I want, do whatever I want, and love life without fear.  I want to be honest and happy.  I want to know my time here isn’t wasted.  I want to spend more time with my brother, just hanging out doing nothing.  I want to make friends.  I want to actually live, not just float along.  I want to explore.  I want to love myself.  I want to belong somewhere other than home.  I want to get skinny and healthy and happy.  HAPPY.  I want to be happy.  I want to make happiness for myself.  And I will.