You Know You Have Big Boobs When…

You can perform magic with them.  Yes, ladies and gentleman, I can make a CD completely disappear, using only my cleavage!

You can hide things UNDER your boobs, and they’ll stay there.

You have really, truly, lost things in your cleavage before.

You walk toward a mirror naked, and realize why they’re called “knockers”…they really do knock together with each step!

Your boobs are a convenient popcorn catcher at the movies.  And yes, you can lick the popcorn up off your boobs without having to reach for it.

Your entire hand can be hidden in your cleavage.  (And my hands are not dainty.)

You jump off the bottom step and your boobs give a resounding SLAP!

Your boobs don’t fit behind all restaurants booths – sometimes you have to just pick ‘em up and set ‘em on the table.

You hide your hands under your boobs when they’re cold.

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I Deleted You

(I wrote this for FetLife.com)

Yes, we used to be friends. No, we’re not anymore.

Make no mistake…this was not a mistake.

Don’t keep sending requests, thinking somehow your friendship slipped through the cracks of FetLife. Let me enlighten you on a few of the reasons why this deletion from my friends list may have happened to you…

1. We don’t talk.

I am not a friend collector. I’m not here to get some cyber ego boost from having a couple hundred friends and everyone knowing my name. I’m here to learn about the lifestyle and connect with people who understand me. If we don’t talk on a semi-regular basis, you’re going to get deleted, no matter how hot that picture of your cock is or how bad you want to sub for me. I’m here for connection – if there isn’t one, you’re gone.

2. You don’t respect me.

Respect starts with glancing at my profile long enough to see if I am Dominant, submissive, taken, or open for business. You won’t get the chance to respect me the rest of the way if you begin contact by bursting onto the scene attempting to fill a role I already have filled and clearly marked at the top of my page.

3. I don’t remember who you are.

Maybe we did talk at first, and maybe you were the best thing since fuzzy fox tails, but if you keep changing your picture and don’t bother to say hey now and then, I’m bound to forget about you and you’ll be harvested with the rest of the random guys who have added me over the past month.

4. You have nothing on your profile.

I’m sorry, I don’t handle personality-devoid friends well.

5. You never talked to me.

Believe it or not, I actually accept all friend requests that come my way. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But there’s a special circle of you that think it’s okay to add someone without so much as a Love or a comment, much less a message. If you’re a member of that circle, rest assured, you will be removed from my list very, very soon.

6. Your name is offensive to me.

Yes, we’re on FetLife. Yes, we’re all kinky mother fuckers here. Yes, I’m still a lady and can be disgusted by your derogatory, maggot-infested name. It doesn’t happen often, but on the rare occasion that a username does offend me, I have the right to disassociate myself from you.

7. Your personality is less than engaging.

Maybe you keep in touch, your profile is filled out, and your name smells as fresh as daisies nestled between the breasts of a milkmaid. But maybe we just don’t click, and you know what? That’s alright. Not everyone will and I know I certainly won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. But I prefer to spend time and pour effort into people I can wholeheartedly engage with, and if we just aren’t sharing that connection, I will seek it elsewhere and hope you do the same.

So if we used to be BFF’s, and I’ve clearly deleted you from my life – now you may have some idea as to why. If by some chance I’ve made a mistake and after reading this you aren’t so terribly offended as to curse my name to the depths of the earth…well…message me. But for God’s sake, don’t send me another damn friend request. ;)