Day Five – Six Things You Wish You’d Never Done

Six Things You Wish You’d Never Done

  1. Given naked pictures to my ex.  I had promised myself that I would never do that.  I convinced myself we were going to end up together…probably because he was the only guy I thought would ever want me.  I can never take back what I did and it not only hurts me, but potentially the man I end up with, as well.
  2. Started having cyber sex with guys I didn’t care about.  I love cybering with friends, and obviously within romantic relationships, but somewhere along the line I just started seeking out guys to slake my lust and it only made me feel cheap, besides already having no self-esteem.  It stopped being about horniness and started being about worthlessness.  Now when a guy doesn’t use me for sexual things, I feel rejected and “wrong”.
  3. Abandoned my friends.  It started when I was seventeen and the pattern has spiraled out of control.  Originally I did it because I couldn’t handle them knowing my life wasn’t perfect.  It’s morphed into a lot of other reasons since then, the obvious one being I am, myself, afraid of abandonment.  It hurts everyone, including me, but I don’t know where to find the courage to stop.
  4. Gained weight.  Since I was a pre-teen, I’ve thought I was grossly overweight.  Thing was, my hip bones poked out from a perfectly flat tummy.  I believe I had Body Dysmorphic Disorder, because as I finally began gaining weight later in my teens, I didn’t notice at all.  What I saw in the mirror had looked like 220 for as long as I could remember, so I never noticed my body catching up with that vision of myself until it was far too late.
  5. Didn’t have a graduation photo taken.  I had braces and wanted to wait until they were off to go for pictures.  Then my parents divorced and needless to say, the pictures never happened.  I wish I had something nice to mark that milestone in my life.  My School Days frame is filled with all the little yearly pictures, but the big center one is blank.
  6. Went into debt.  Even while I was working overtime every week, I still usually spent more money than I made, and now it’s come back to bite me.  The guilt is horrible and the prospect of paying it all back extremely bleak.

Here’s Daddy’s list…

6 Things I Wish I’d Never Done 

  1. I wish I’d never looked up Daddy/Babygirl stuff when you had expressly articulated that Daddy/Babygirl was something you wanted to talk about first.
  2. I wish I wouldn’t have been so oblivious that night you came back from your counselors. My being oblivious and tactless led to much pain for you. I wish I’d had better timing.
  3. On the same night, I wish I hadn’t kept you up past when you wanted to go to bed. You stayed up because you care about me, but I wish I’d never put you in that position.
  4. I wish I hadn’t broken things off so abruptly with S. I don’t regret breaking things off with her. But I wish I hadn’t broken things off the way I did.
  5. I wish I’d never fallen apart when you needed me. I’m comfortable falling apart and breaking down with you, but NOT when you are breaking down too.
  6. I wish I’d never hurt you. It’s part of growing, and I know that. But I still hate each and every time I hurt you.

 

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