Nine Things About Yourself
- The past year has been a downpour of self-awareness and self-reflection…making up for the previous twenty-five years of trying to ignore my feelings and be strong. I have been on an honesty kick for the past six years, though it’s taken me about that long to reach a place of complete honesty. I’ve gone a bit overboard, perhaps, in that I am sometimes such an open book as to shock people with deeply personal information… But I’d rather tell people something real and hold nothing back, than to carry on a candy-coated relationship where no one really grows. My Daddy and I are all about the growins, and I love that he continues to appreciate and encourage that aspect of me. :)
- I have a very strong work ethic, and crave a fast-paced environment. If there’s nothing to do, I’ll find something to do, and if you’re working for me you’d better not be leaning on the wall when I walk by. I am a work horse and I expect everyone I work with to put in as much (but never more) effort as I do. I am a perfectionist and love doing things right myself, but it gives me great pleasure to train someone else to do the job right and then watch them get ‘er done. I absolutely love training new recruits, and I hate correcting sloppy workers. I believe in blasting through the work that has to be done, then kicking back for a rest, not the other way around, or worse, dragging things out slowly through the whole day. When I’m working, I have to constantly be on the move.
- On the flip side, at home I am as lazy as an old hound dog. It’s pulling teeth to get me to do anything, and I’m 100% obsessed with kicking back and having zero plans and no responsibilities. I don’t like having commitments I must uphold – I would much rather decide on the spur of the moment that I want to go on a six hour long drive up into the mountains. Plans make me feel boxed in, and while I’m never late, I almost always leave late, which gives me a good excuse to speed and weave.
- Speaking of speeding and weaving, I love racing in my car, pitiful though it may be. Thanks to The Fast And The Furious, I had several good years full of highway races and red lights with tire chirps, but alas, the fad has died down and it’s rare for me to goad anyone into racing me, these days. Still, I love it and it gives me a bit of a high, if not straight-up makes me horny, especially if it involves a lot of weaving in and out of traffic, or of course, a truck. ;)
- I am a very guarded, affectionate person. ;) I love being snuggly but I rarely trust anyone enough to do it, usually only my cousins. My personal space is very important to me and I feel very invaded if someone hugs me without me moving in first, or plays with my hair, or touches my arm. Besides my physical bubble, I have a very thick emotional bubble when it comes to people in real life. I spill my guts online but almost no one in person knows what’s going on inside my head or heart.
- I believe I am worthless, and this is a constant struggle in my family, friendships, and especially in “romantic” relationships. My Daddy has been amazing at being there for me and not letting me talk myself down when he can help it, and I’m working on changing my negative self-talk (thanks to counselors and Daddy, hehe). My parents both contributed to my lack of self-esteem and seriously unhealthy levels of guilt, but if you want to read about that, feel free to skip over to my Personal category on this blog.
- Despite spending my teenage years wearing nothing but black and camouflage, I’ve turned out to be a color lover. Right now, “my colors” are hot pink, electric purple, turquoise, and sapphire. I both wear them and surround myself with them. :) They make me feel happy and *gasp* even girly, once in awhile.
- Family is very important to me, though I do have my limits and am not unendingly forgiving. I love spending time with my relatives, precious little though it may be since my grandparents passed away. Holidays with my family are extremely important to me.
- I discovered over the past year that I am a Babygirl. That is, one half of the Daddy/Babygirl dynamic… It’s an amazing way to experience the love and acceptance that I never got when I was younger. My Daddy is there for the kinky aspects of it as well as the tough parts, and of the latter there are many. He comforts me and refuses to give up on me, even when I think he should or I want to give up on myself. Besides the fun roleplay, I have recently begun to experience regression which is very scary, but I’m so glad my Daddy can be with me through it. I don’t think it would happen if he weren’t there, creating a bubble of love all around me.
And my Daddy’s list… :)
9 Things about Me:
- My utter best quality is my ability to love. I can’t say I love everyone, but the list of people I don’t like is short indeed. I can make friends in a heartbeat, and diving into an enduring relationship (be that romantic or friendly) is not difficult for me.
- Alongside my big heart is a powerful protective instinct. Again, I can’t protect everyone, but I will do my DAMN best to protect those I care about. I am only human, so I do have limitations. However, I am going to do everything within my power to do everything I can for those I care about.
- Still on the same line of thinking, I am self-sacrificing. I’m getting better about this, and it is both a quality and a flaw. I care about my family, friends, and especially my Baby. All to the point of putting myself second sometimes. I do have to stop and put myself first occasionally, but usually even that is with loved ones in mind. If I don’t take care of myself then I can’t help them. It is all very circular, because I watch out for me so I can help them. I help them because I love them and that brings me pleasure, happiness, and good feelings. So it’s all just a big loving, giving, for my own reasons and benefit loop.
- I am weird. I have always known this, but it is only recently that I’ve started to own it. I believe I have some weird views on some things, I act in weird ways, I buck the norms, and I just generally don’t fit in. Some people like that because they are weird too, and to some people it is off-putting.
- I have wild and crazy daydreams about impossible things. On the more possible and realistic end, one of my favorite daydreams is what I would do if I won an exorbitant amount of money. I daydream anywhere from $1 million all the way up into the hundreds of millions. Beyond that it doesn’t really seem to matter, because you have more money than you could spend in a few lifetimes. With the exception of cranking all the way up into billions, in which case I’d just build an island and go live there with whomever the hell I wanted to invite. That’s the REALISTIC end. The crazy end usually involves superpowers, magic, etc.
- I have a temper. I describe my temper as a huge firecracker that has a really long fuse. It takes a lot to get under my skin and actually truly set the firecracker off. But when you do… Well, to be honest, I don’t know anymore. I can still feel the monster lurking inside of me, but I’ve kept him caged and prevented him from coming out for a long time. (Thank you Skillet for the analogy.) I do still believe he is in there, because I can feel him clawing now and then. (Particularly when family is involved. Family has a wonderful way of snipping a fuse away before lighting it.) And I can also say that messing with the people I care about is a QUICK way to light my fuse about an inch from the firecracker.
- I have bipolar. At least, that’s what I’m told. Some things seem to line up, some things don’t. I don’t actually really worry about what it is as much as I try to focus on managing it. It’s scary though sometimes, because the depression seems to hit for no reason and at the worst of times, and when the manic comes I feel so out of control that I can’t describe it. The best analogy is being in a car with no brakes and precious little steering.
- I don’t really know where I’m going in life. I have some hopes and ideas for what I want out of my future, but they are still kinda vague and distant. I live more in the now, taking each day as it comes and trying to enjoy it as best I can. I see this as both good and bad. It is good in that I’m taking time to smell the roses, and so on. But it is also bad because it feeds into procrastination and makes me feel very uncertain about my future. I have enough short term goals though to get me through the nearish future and enough happening in life to keep my occupied for the very near future.
- At the end of the day, I am scared. It’s hard to see if you don’t know where to look, because I AM actually very happy with my life right now. There are things I wish to change, but I’m in the process of changing them. And really… that’s actually what I’m scared about. I’m HAPPY, which is a big deal to me. And I’m scared of losing that happiness. If you didn’t pick up on it, I draw my happiness from people. There is one particular person in my life from which I am drawing the majority of my happiness, though by no means ALL of it. It is unwise to base all your happiness on a singular person. It’s taxing to that person and dangerous for you because if that person ever fails you then you are in big trouble. So not EVERY shred of my happiness is based on my Baby (yes, you knew it honey, it’s you), but a lot of it is. So I’m scared of losing her. I also have other friends that give me happiness, and I’m scared of losing them too. I said I feel uncertain about my future, but really… what I feel uncertain about are the people in my future. I don’t want to be alone, because being alone frightens me and makes me feel very, very bad.