“Why are you a virgin?” This is quite the popular question, for me. If you’re waiting to hear that I’m saving myself so your thick juicy cock can take me tonight…well, enjoy that little fantasy. But if you don’t have the patience to read this entire entry…and I know 99.9% of you guys have already hit the Back button…then I’m afraid my pussy just isn’t meant for you.
As for why I haven’t given into my sexual desires yet… There are multiple layers to this. First, it was pounded into me from birth that not only is sex before marriage wrong on every conceivable level, but that even the first kiss should be at the altar. To me, now, this sounds ridiculous… But I’m sure you can imagine the immense conviction that was burned into my psyche as a child, through this edict. I feel deep guilt over many things in life, and especially the area of sexuality. I was not allowed to date, not even allowed to go to youth group at church…my dad didn’t deem those kids good enough for me to socialize with. Apart from a few blissful childhood years, I grew up very lonely and isolated. So add together the deep shame/fear/guilt over even considering doing something sexual, along with my isolation and fear of being close, and you’ve got a very strong foundation for remaining a virgin.
Besides this, I still haven’t settled on what my own beliefs regarding sex outside of marriage are. I think about things for a very long time before taking any rash action. I love the vibe of open relationships that I get online, but obviously that is only “practice” and the idea of implementing it into real life seems very scary, unattainable, and yes, possibly wrong. All the desire for it in the world can’t magically make my worry that I’m doing something wrong just disappear. So the biggest thing I need to figure out is what I really believe. A normal person would experiment to find that out, I’m sure, but I think it’s pretty obvious I’m not normal. ;) Experimenting, and making mistakes to learn from them, was NEVER an option my parents allowed. You just didn’t do things that were “wrong”. You didn’t do them, to see if they felt wrong. You didn’t decide what was right or wrong for yourself. You obeyed without question and if you didn’t, you were bad, sinful, a horrible person. You shouldn’t even wonder about something outside the box, because everything outside that box is of the devil, and God forbid we study the devil’s work. This applied to so many areas of my life, I can’t even describe it. I didn’t know about other religions, growing up. Everything I learned was controlled by my parents. I didn’t even know that I was being kept in the dark. This type of childhood psychological manipulation disturbs me on a very deep, angry level, now that I am beginning to see how it was used on me. I want to escape but I really don’t know how. I am twenty-five now and it seems insane to feel so trapped and controlled…the side of me that thinks for myself wants to go experiment, make my own decisions, and LIVE…but the side of me that lives in fear and guilt is still a little girl, and she has the final say in everything I do, right now.
Despite all this, I definitely view my virginity as a choice. I’m not one of those whimpering guys who is desperate to find someone to bang so he can finally tell his friends he “did it”. Keeping my virginity is a conscious choice and something I am very proud of. I have had opportunities to lose it…tempting ones! But I’m very glad that I stuck to my guns. Everything I’ve mentioned above are huge underlying factors, no doubt about it, but in the end it is something I have fought to keep and I am very proud of myself for that.
Moving on to other layers in the reasoning… I hate my body. I have since before I hit puberty. I believe that I had body dysmorphic disorder all through my teenage years, and up into my early twenties. I hated every inch of my body and believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was disgustingly fat. I was 115 pounds and my waist was 23 inches. But under this complete illusion that I was fat, I never noticed when my body started changing. I gained a hundred pounds and didn’t bat an eyelash because I looked the way I felt and I didn’t even realize that the two hadn’t always been aligned. One day I looked in the mirror and it all crashed down on me…I realized that I embodied what had only been in my mind before. I was stunned. I went back and looked at pictures and couldn’t believe what I used to look like. I had always thought I looked this way and was in disbelief that it had only been in my mind, all these years. I can’t really describe what it felt like to realize that my mind had tricked me and that I’d ruined my body because I believed that trick. I’m not even sure it makes sense… But in any case, I have always hated my body, whether legitimately or not, and that is obviously a very big dissuasion for having sex. All the horniness in the world doesn’t make up for a body that is unattractive, and all the encouragement in the world cannot make my perception of body image change, either.
Last, but not least by any stretch of the imagination, is the possibility of becoming pregnant. I do not EVER want children. I could write pages on why, but if you’ve made it through this much of my babbling, you deserve a medal and a bit of mercy, so I’ll just leave it at the fact that I never want them. Second problem? I do not, under any circumstances, believe in abortion. These coupled together mean that having sex is about the most dangerous thing that exists, for my happiness. I would not have an abortion, so if I got pregnant, my life would be essentially ruined. Birth control, I know you’re yelling at the monitor! Well, I’ve watched my brother, cousins, and friends, ALL have children while on the pill, using condoms, depo, the nuva ring, even the IUD. Enough said. :P I trust nothing. I would get a hysterectomy today, but doctors won’t perform it on someone as young as I am. My only hang-up with that is how it totally screws up your hormones, and even your sex drive… So even my “perfect fix” to the pregnancy problem isn’t very perfect at all. But it is the only sure thing.
In summary…yes, I have chosen to remain a virgin, for my own emotional well-being and because it’s something I take pride in. If my decision changes, however, I have very deep issues I will somehow have to overcome, in order to move on… I would have to decide that having sex outside of marriage is okay. I would have to stop feeling bound by guilt that was ingrained in me since childhood. I would have to accept my body, and move through the fear that no one on earth would ever want me or accept me. And I would have to somehow feel confident that I could never, ever get pregnant. Do you see what a cage I’m in? It’s too immense to even think of trying to get out of. So for now, I am staying there. I have so many other issues I could choose to work on, and just let this one lay sleeping… That seems to be my best option, for now. So here I am…exploring sexuality…but don’t you ever think I’m here to get “it” over and done with. I’m here to learn more about myself, more about sex, more about the world. I am looking for someone special. Will I find him? Is he you? If the answer is yes…well, it’s going to be quite the journey. :)