This entry will be updated on an ongoing basis…
This is not my theory on domination or abuse, but rather a place to muse about my own issues, struggles, and fears.
I believe it is a deep honor for someone to feel so strongly about you, want you so intensely…to want to own you, in some ways. Jealousy, in that way, is sexy to me. It is a compliment. However, it also leads me into the darker side of things, where I could see myself believing that ANY intense feeling directed toward me is a positive thing. I feel like if a man were abusive to me, I might accept it, not only because my self-esteem says that it is “correct”, but also because I can completely imagine it feeling good…knowing he felt deeply for me. Even if that deep feeling is anger, violence, abuse…it would be about me, for me, inspired by me, and therefore a good thing. Yeah…this worries me. :P
On one hand, all of it turns me on. On the other hand, I have to wonder why? The why is more scary than the act itself. Someone hitting me is something I could be okay with. But WHY am I okay with it? Now that’s scary. I’m discovering all these things that, a few years ago, would have horrified me…but instead, they are enticing, and I’m turned on by them.
Obviously I have deep curiosity and I’m enjoying the journey of discovery. But at the same time it’s making me think there is something very psychologically wrong with me. When I was younger, I always thought domination was just a kinky thing. I believe it still can be. But I think for me, it’s psychological. I don’t want to be smacked around for the novelty of it. I want to be smacked around because I believe I’m worthless, and that treatment would reinforce that belief. Should I be okay with that? It turns me on…but it also depresses me. I have no idea what to do with these thoughts, in particular.
Also, how does this reflect back in the Dom? Because yes, as the sub I would be asking for this treatment, we’d both know it turns me on…but am I asking to be punished for sick reasons? If you were the Dom, and knew how much this depressed me and how messed up I felt, would you want to treat me this way? Isn’t that abuse…even if it’s invited? If the Dom knows that I’m not just enjoying feeling helpless, but actually soaking in complete self-hatred and worthlessness and feeling suicidal over it…but does it to me anyway…what does that say about the Dom? What difference would there be if I went out and teased drunk guys in a bar until they raped me? It’s like a sexual deathwish.