It’s been a fun and fact-filled week for me, realizing I’m a Babygirl. When going through my pictures to see what I should upload here, I realized that my room isn’t just immature and colorful…it’s um…a Babygirl room. I suppose I always thought I was just young at heart, but the past few days I’ve been contemplating if I was always like this, and the answer is, no. I don’t like the Why, but here it is…
There were a few years where I’d outgrown childhood and was shunning Disney movies as “kids stuff”. I was thirteen or so, and I wanted to be a grown-up. I got rid of my Barbies, I sold my precious Grand Champion model horse collection, I cleared tons of things out of my Baby Box and even threw away a few stuffed animals. Then when I was seventeen, we left my dad. It was what I wanted, and I don’t regret my choice to cut him out of my life for the past eight years one bit. But I’m only recently realizing how deeply the loss of a father figure has affected me.
Looking back, I remember that first year we left him, I started watching Disney movies again. They made me feel little, they were familiar and safe. I started listening to the music I listened to when I was little…it was like a lullaby. I began a five-year obsession with stuffed animals. If it was cute, and snuggly, it had to be mine. I poured every cent I had into things that felt soft and comforting. The past three years it’s morphed into things such as cuddly blankets, and fuzzy pajama pants.
Now that I look at it from this perspective, it seems so blatantly obvious that I was trying to self-soothe. I was trying to recreate my childhood…the safety I felt there, the smallness, the innocence.
I feel so angry that this was caused by walking away from my dad. The sperm donor doesn’t deserve to make me feel anything. I’m going to have to deal with the fact that I do feel something, and the resentment I have about that. But for now, it helps to know that I don’t miss my dad, I simply miss a father figure. And that’s okay. It’s natural. Daughters are meant to have fathers they can trust in and rely on. If the real one isn’t around, is incapable, or simply doesn’t care…then she can find someone who is around, who is capable, who does care…someone worthy of her love.
I will own that. A little girl needs a Daddy.